My spiritual community, the Sri Chinmoy Centre, holds two important “Celebration”-style events a year. Each event lasts about two weeks. One, in April, honors the anniversary of his 1964 arrival in the West. The other, held in August, commemorates his birthday. A lot of Yoga retreats emphasize silence. You go into nature, and you hold silent meditation for weeks on end. Our meditative events do incorporate some silent meditation, but we also do a lot of singing and chanting as well as put on spiritual plays. We also just hang out a lot and talk! It’s a good thing that we do not just observe silence, as that would be very difficult for me. I’m a natural extrovert.
I almost did not attend this past August Celebration. I was offered a new job just before the celebration- a part-part-time position as a school bus safety monitor- buckling the kids into seatbelts, making sure nobody wanders the aisle while the bus is in motion, asking the children to keep the noise level to a low roar. But, I spoke to the HR manager, and she said that they are well staffed, and that it would be fine for me to go.
This led me to my second conundrum- I had no money. Really! But I had bought the ticket months prior, and because I help out with arranging accommodations for the event, I do not have to pay my board. But still, I would be skating close.
I meditated on the picture of my Master that I keep in my room- his Transcendental, taken in his highest consciousness. I worship this picture. For me, it does not represent the human in my Master. It represents God. I approached the Transcendental Photograph and I prayed for days. I told it my position, that I have no money, that I just started a new job, that I am in dire straits. And I got the vibration from the picture that it totally understood! It did not really mind if I did not go.
I thought, “I could go, in theory, but it’s not practical!”
So, I decided not to go. And I felt my Master’s support and understanding.
Then, a couple nights later I had an interesting dream. I live in Chicago, and I meditate at our Chicago Sri Chinmoy Centre. I guess I can call it a meditation space or a temple. It’s decorated with many pictures of my Master in states of high consciousness. Whenever I go there, I feel this vibration of serene, pure love. Anyway, in my dream we had lost our lease for the space, and the Chicago Sri Chinmoy Centre was to be dismantled. My Centre leader and the other disciples were putting everything away in boxes, with the help of some professional movers. They were working in one room, and I was by myself in the shrine area. The Transcendental was alone on the wall. I could hear them working in the next room, but they couldn’t hear me. I sat down in front of the Transcendental and folded my hands. I felt I would never see the Transcendental again, and I looked at it with such longing, but also grief. “Oh, Guru,” I said repeatedly under my breath, “Oh Guru, oh Guru.”
And I felt a voice within me say, “Not oh, but ah!”
And that was the dream.
What does this mean?
Not oh, but ah.
I remember the poem by Edna St. Vincent Millay:
“My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night
But ah my foes
And oh my friends
It gives a lovely light.”
I’ve always thought that the poem would read better:
“Oh my foes
And ah my friends”
This is because “oh” can be an exclamation of shock or sadness, whereas “ah” sounds more like revelation, or the joy of reunion.
When I woke up from the dream, I was in tears. I just lay in my bed, and I felt I was rocking in a cradle, and I felt bathed in warmth, in love.
Not oh, but ah.
I lived with my Guru for the last ten years of his earthly life. And I can say from my own inner experiences with him, in dreams and in meditation, that my Guru lives! And he is telling me in this dream, that the very act of aspiration is a miracle. Every aspiring day I live, every day that I make the time to meditate, to pray, to read his books, I am accomplishing something. In our path, we accept the world. We live in society. We manifest what we get from our meditation in the wider world. Therefore, aspiration is revelation. This is true for all spiritual paths, but especially for this one, in which we emphasize the acceptance of life.
I also think that his statement “not oh, but ah!” means that my Guru already thinks of me as one of his chosen children, his close and intimate disciples, and so therefore all the major decisions in my life should be made by him. If I don’t express my faith in my actions, what is this faith worth?
So the next morning, I was praying in front of the Transcendental, and I told Guru that I’m grateful he understands my financial position, and why I can’t go to Celebrations because of my financial problems. But while I was talking to Guru, I was tapping away at the computer, not really knowing what I was typing, or only half knowing. But I looked at the Photograph and Guru seemed a little amused. And then I looked at the monitor, and I saw a message from Bank of America, thanking me for ordering my first credit card. My flight was in six days. The card arrived the evening before my flight. It’s a starter credit card, with only a five hundred dollar balance. But it was enough to get me through our celebrations.
I don’t know if the dream I had related directly to Celebrations or not, but I think it pointed me in the right direction. While I was biking home last night, I saw the most remarkable golden light in the sky, and it touched the tops of the clouds. But they were low hanging clouds, like clouds from a fairy tale- massive and touched with crimson and gold. I felt the evening sun represented divine hope, and the lofty, mighty clouds stood for human promise. I felt I was between them. Hope and promise.
Not oh, the bitter reality, but ah, the infallible dream.