A dream

 

I feel Guru’s poetry has become my passport to the outer world.  I approach people on the train, on the street, in shopping malls, at the grocery store and I ask them if they would like to hear a poem.  Some people tell me to go away, and I happily do.  But most people agree to a short poem.  As our Guru Sri Chinmoy’s poems possess such simplicity and natural beauty, it almost always makes them smile and think and reflect.

One of my favorite poems comes from The Goal Is Won, a book I have only recently learned.  It is this one:

“Lying in the sun
May warm your body,
But it will not elevate your life.

“Crying in the night
May console your heart,
But it will not accelerate
The progress of your soul.

I assure you,
Dying in nothingness
May fascinate others’ eyes,
But it will not fulfil your Goal.”

Sri Chinmoy, The Goal is won, Sri Chinmoy Centre, New York, 1974

 

I recited this for one older disciple in New York, this past April, and he said the poem embodies a deep reflection on sadhana, and also may refer to the Buddhist concept of dying in nothingness to achieve Nirvana, and how our path is different.  Our path is the path of dynamism, and not extinction.

I also shared it with an older artist I met on the bus, and he said this poem inspires him to pay more attention to each moment, to be awakened to each moment.

 

I often have a recurring dream about walking through the campus of a college in Chicago, but this college does not exist.  In my dream, it is called St Thomas University, and it is located on a steep hill overlooking the lake.  Chicago has no hills, obviously this school does not exist on the physical plane.  But it is an old, august college, huge classical architecture.  Anyway, I was taking the school trolley in my dream, when a college boy approached me and said, “Mahiruha!”

I looked at him, but I did not recognize him.  He asked me to get off the bus, and that he had a gift for me.  It was a warm summer’s day, and I had nothing to do, so I followed him out at the next stop.  He led me past the school’s cathedral, huge and beautiful, and into a big auditorium.  We were alone.  There was a little closet by the double doors of the hall and he reached in and pulled out a new kurta, still in its plastic wrapper.  On top of the kurta was a little card.  He handed me the kurta and the card.  I looked at the card, and the boy had written that I wouldn’t remember him, but that a few years earlier I had given him a book of poems by Sri Chinmoy, and these poems had changed his life.  They had helped him to understand the mission of Jesus Christ much more deeply, and that he recites and concentrates on these poems every day as part of his devotions.  I was crying and crying in my dream and the young man was also crying.

I woke up with tears streaming down my face and I had the strongest urge to google St. Thomas University in Chicago, but I know it’s only a dream.

A discussion on the Red Line

 

About a week ago, I was riding the subway here in Chicago- the rowdy Red Line.  It was late, and I was almost at the end of my journey, I was three stops away from Sheridan.  The doors opened at the Addison/Wrigley Field stop, and a bunch of long-suffering Cubs fans got on, along with a bunch of college students.  Two young men also boarded the train- both clean cut, nicely dressed in plaid shirts and khakis, athletic looking and charming.  They sat next to me.  I greeted them with a universal “Wassup!” and they smiled and laughed.

They asked me where I was coming from.  I told them I was coming from a wild party, and then confessed I was just coming from the gym.  Their faces were a little flushed, maybe from refreshments.  I asked if they were college students and they said they had recently graduated with degrees in finance and international business.  They told me their names were Eli and Zach.  When I told them my name was “Mahiruha,” their faces lit up.  One of them said “Mahiruha” five or six times, and then asked me if it was an Indian name.  I told him it was and that I meant fast-ascending tree.  He was really inspired by that and he asked me if I meditate.  I told him I did, and I also practice spiritual reading and mantras.

He asked me if he could clarify for him what the word “mantra” means and I just said that a mantra is simply any word whose very sound invokes the essence of the word.  And I told him mantras can be written in any language.

He asked me if I could be more specific, and I said “Sure!” and I reached into my satchel and pulled out my transcript for “The Goal Is Won”.  I told him these were 360 mantras written by my spiritual teacher, and I had recently recited them all from memory at a private conference in New York.  I told him to turn to any page, to give me just the first couple of words, and I would recite the first four or five poems.

He turned to a particular page, and read out “Lord, take my heart…”

And I recited the following four poems:

 

“Lord, take my heart to be Your pleasure,

Lord, take my love to be Your treasure.

Lord, let my life be claimed

Entirely by You, only by You.”

 

“For three reasons God loves me:

I have given up my animal pride,

I have forgotten my human ignorance,

I treasure my life divine.”

 

“Fulfilment is man’s choice,

For fulfilment is man’s voice.

In fulfilment is earth’s noise.

 

Vision is God’s choice,

For vision is God’s Voice.

In Vision is Heaven’s Noise.”

 

“Death is hunger,

I am anger.

Life is query,

I am weary.

God is choice,

Man is voice.

Truth is soul,

Love is Goal.”

They were speechless!  They knew that I wasn’t lying, and, more importantly, that I considered these poems to be significant and valuable enough that I would dedicate six months of my life to learning them all.

Eli told me that he thought these poems were extraordinary.  He then told me, a little shyly, that he tries to do the same thing with the Bible, committing Christ’s utterances to memory.  He told me that he and Zach are Christians.

I found that an interesting statement- he was so impressed with these poems that he consciously associated them with the sayings of Jesus.

I wrote down the name “Sri Chinmoy” on a piece of paper and also the title of the book “The Goal is Won”.  I also wrote my name and contact information.  They both thanked me and told me that meeting me and hearing these poems was the highlight of their day.  They definitely made my day, too.

The evolving referee

 

A few months ago I went to a wrestling tournament in Illinois, hosted by a Christian school.  I try to go to this one every year, as it’s the largest wrestling invitational in the country.  Chicago is in Illinois, but somehow it doesn’t feel like it.  Chicago is a world unto itself, and bears little resemblance to the rest of the state, politically or socially.  Anyway, this city is about a hundred miles west of Chicago, so the evening before I took a couple different trains to get there and arrived around eight o’clock at night.  I met my Airbnb hostess, a lady who keeps her small house absolutely shining and immaculate for the steady stream of guests.  I left my stuff in my nicely appointed room with its big soft bed and walked over to the college.  I suppose it makes sense that the hosting school is a Christian college as wrestling is a very rural American sport, manly in a Christian sort of way.  Lots of wrestlers have quotations from the Bible tattooed on their bodies and many of them bring their pocket New Testaments to the tournaments.  Often the guys pray and point to the heavens before bouts.

I don’t usually discuss my spiritual life with devout Christians.  At least, I don’t tell them about Guru, I tend to keep our conversations Christ-centered.  This school is the most respected and probably also the most conservative and single-focused of all the Bible colleges in the US.  Many of the students are children of missionaries.  It’s not the place to break out my mala beads and to chant from the Shiva Ratri.  They would not be able to understand a spiritual tradition apart from the Christian faith.  So, how do I go about offering Guru’s light if I can’t talk about Guru?  This is a quandary, a dilemma.

At the same time, because it is a religious school, the students are different from the kids I meet at other colleges.  Alcohol is prohibited, as are drugs of any kind.  Chapel is mandatory, lasts two hours and is held three days a week.  Every student carries a Bible with them everywhere they go.  When I go to this tournament, and I go every year, I will sometimes stop a student (not a wrestler!) in his tracks and just ask him a random philosophical question, like “What is beauty?  Or “Mind and brain- same or different?”  And no matter what else he has to do, very often this random college guy will talk to me for ten minutes and tell me his thoughts on the subject.  His arguments will be thoughtful, practiced and supported by wide and deep reading.  I invariably come away from these conversations impressed.

And it’s not totally true either that I can’t mention Guru or my own spiritual path.  Some of the guys there have expressed tremendous interest in the meaning and origin of my name, and how I got it from an Indian Guru.  I’ve been rejected out of hand as a non-Christian, but some people there are fascinated by meditation and Eastern mysticism.  I think I have more in common with these guys than I do with most people in the secular world.

I guess this place is special because it provides spiritual training.  People don’t get that at the University of Chicago or Northwestern.  But the first colleges were founded by monks in the early Middle Ages and one of their expected functions was to impart spiritual knowledge, the inner life.  So, I may say that the students at this school do not have a wide spiritual perspective, as they focus only on one faith, but they have a deep foundation.  And where there is depth, eventually breadth and height can come as well.  This is why I think our Guru asked us to read his books first, to be well established in our own foundation and home before we try to shake hands with other paths.  Know your own house.

So, I finally arrived at the college gymnasium maybe around 9:30 the night before the big tournament.  I went to the locker room and saw a student pacing in front of the lockers and looking a little distracted.  I think I asked him what he was studying and he said biology but he was thinking of switching to Anthropology.

I don’t remember how we got on the subject but I started talking about consciousness and matter, and how there doesn’t seem to be an elementary particle, it seems like science can just divide and divide reality forever.  He agreed with me and said that the foundation of life is God’s Grace, and I started talking about Maya and how the Indian tradition holds that the Universe is just the expression of God.  The Supreme used his power of Maya, the Mother Power or Prakriti, to divide Himself into trillions and trillions of forms, and thus the finite is God’s Play, His Manifestation.  He asked me to tell him more about Indian philosophy, and so I quoted some of Guru’s poems on science and the physical Universe:

 

“The formless is as true as the form, as beautiful, if not infinitely more beautiful as the form.”

 

“Beauty non-pareil has blossomed in the heart of the subtle atom tapestry.”

 

“Science is desperately searching for the cosmic key.  Nature already has it.”

 

I loved my life’s morning walks, hope-beauty led my eyes and guided my steps…life divine shall embrace the abyss of science

 

He really responded to these poems.  I told him I don’t usually share my Guru’s poetry at this Evangelical school, and I don’t tell people about Guru but that he seemed very open and kind.  He told me has just suffered from a tragedy in his personal life, and he’s grateful to hear these spiritual words from me.  I asked him if he would like to hear some of my Guru’s poems on Jesus Christ and he said he would.  So, I recited for him for maybe fifteen minutes, including every poem from Guru’s play The Son as well as many poems from The Dance of Life and Transcendence Perfection.  It’s an old locker room, vast and empty, and my words came back to me in echoes, so I was listening to myself also.  And after some time I felt that I was no longer speaking, the words seemed to just come from a distant source and Nate and I were just listeners, observers.  When I finished, I felt that we were both bathed in light, and he thanked me very deeply and I thanked him for listening to me and for being open.  We’ve continued to keep in touch.  It’s good to have Guru’s poems ready at a moment’s notice, you can make connections with people that way.

The tournament was wonderful, the best I’ve seen.  I paid special attention to the heavyweights- the 285 lb. plus guys.  Lord!  When I first started watching college wrestling, ten years ago, the heavyweights never touched each other.  Boringly they just circled each other like sumo wrestlers, waiting for the chance to take the other guy down which often never happened.  Sometimes there would be some above the shoulder grappling, but it was more just circling and formulaic lunges.  Not this year!  The heavyweights have come into their own.  They threw each other like sacks of rice, only very heavy sacks of rice.  I was scared because I standing at the edge of the mat and the last thing I need is a thrown 300 lb. wrestler falling on me.  I wouldn’t survive that.  But it was thrilling.  At the end of the night I struck up a conversation with one of those heavy weights, I noticed the Bible quotation on his shoulder, and asked him if he’d like to hear a poem about Christ.  He said he would, so I recited Guru’s poem that has that great line where Christ says “On earth, I am my Father’s Face.  In Heaven, I am my Father’s Eye.”  He was very pleased with this poem, and he said that there’s a passage in the Bible that sounds a little similar, and he pulled out his pocket Bible.  He read me a portion of Christ’s oration where he declares that His true children are the ones who believe in Jesus for the sake of His Father who sent Him.

I also had the occasion to recite one of my own poems  “David and the Diamond” to a wrestler named David, as he was recovering between matches, bruised and bloody.  He liked it very much, and he introduced me to his mom, Karina. I told her that I know a song for Lord Buddha that has the word “Karuna” in it,  and she asked me if I could sing it for her, so I sang, “Karuna Nayan”, and she was deeply moved by it.

I wanted to referee some of the matches, but I’m really not there yet.  I will be.  I just need to study more and be patient.  I guess time removes all stains, as the Vedas say.  And if we are patient and watchful, then time can just be synonymous with God’s Grace also.

Dialogues and suitcases

 

 

 

I dreamt the other night that I was staying in Celebrations housing.  On the floor next to my big air mattress, I saw a suitcase.  It was covered with stickers that announced the countries it had been.  But when I approached the suitcase, I saw that the stickers were not customs tags.  Rather, they were a dialogue between this disciple and Guru.  On the top of each note was the disciple’s question or comment, and on the lower half was Guru’s response:

 

“My Lord, I am the weakest branch.”

“No My Child, You are My branches, My Leaves, My F lowers, My All.”

 

“My Lord, I am lost in the world, I am dead in the world.”

“No, My Child, You are found in Me, you live in My Heart.”

I am paraphrasing, as I don’t remember exactly what each sticker said.  I just remember that they took the form of a dialogue between this seeker and the Master.  I was moved by the fact that, wherever he went, this disciple took nothing from these various places, except his inner conversations with his Lord.  What else do you need?

A new journey

 

Recently my grocery store installed more automated self-checkout lines and gave the cashiers veiled warnings that our time was up.  I wasn’t surprised last Saturday when I got the axe.  I have by now grown tired of the new corporate mentality.  It is time to go.

Interestingly, I had a dream the night before my dismissal.  In my dream I was back in New York, at The Oneness-Fountain-Heart restaurant.  It was very late at night, well after midnight.  I looked at the dimly lit dining room, all the empty tables and chairs, the Jharna Kalas on the walls.  I walked into the kitchen and I saw a visiting European disciple who had once helped us at the restaurant.  He had been chopping vegetables and was washing off the cutting board, and told me he was about to leave.  I went one more time into the dining room, to meditate on Guru’s picture by his special alcove, and then I returned to the kitchen.  The lights were still on, but the disciple had left.  I was alone.  I was upset, in my dream, because I didn’t have a key and couldn’t even close the gate.

Then, I thought to myself, well, that’s okay, because this restaurant does not exist anymore.

So I just left.  I was still somehow troubled that I had left the restaurant unlocked and after I had traveled a few blocks I turned around and I saw the restaurant from a distance.  It was far away, but there was still light seeping out from the kitchen door, still emanating and spreading over the dark streets.  I thought to myself that the spiritual Masters appear on earth for just the briefest of intervals.  They appear, they have their Lila, their divine play on earth, and then they leave.  People living in the ordinary world, who are not disciples of these Masters, just for a fleeting second perceive something unearthly, divine, in these Masters and their children.  And then the Masters disappear, and people forget what they saw.  But the light is still there.  Like the light emanating from The Oneness-Fountain-Heart.  On the outer plane, the restaurant doesn’t exist anymore.  The very building has been torn down.  But the light is still there.

I offered Guru’s poems at the grocery store- to thousands and thousands of people.  It was one of the most satisfying manifestations of my life.  I’m grateful I got that opportunity.  I don’t know what is next.  I don’t need to know.  I am waiting patiently for another assignment.

 

–Mahiruha

What is real

What is real
Is only the soul
Of the world,
Like water rushing
Under an ancient
City.
Modern light
Is no match
For a flower
Pressed between
The pages
Of an old book,
Fresh and fragrant
Still after centuries.
We can all kiss
The pages of wisdom,
Learn how to
Become flowers
In the spine.
Throw my dust
In the water
On an August morning,
And the beauty
I have embodied
Will marry
The river
Of time.

-February 7 2024

Writing to spite the sleep queen

 

I’ve been suffering from insomnia recently.  This isn’t a wholly bad thing.  I get a lot done during those hours when most people are sleeping.  Sometimes I spend the hours by reading poetry, like Dylan Thomas’ great poem  I Fellowed Sleep, which may possibly deal with insomnia.  It ends with the line “My father’s ghost is climbing in the rain.”

Wow!  Sometimes we read long poems just to encounter a single powerful line like that one: “My father’s ghost is climbing in the rain.”

What does this mean?  I don’t know.  I don’t know rationally, but I understand it anyway.  Some part of me feels it, fathoms the meaning without having any need to explain it.

Sri Chinmoy makes this case far better than I, in Sri Chinmoy Answers part 7:

“I always say that man writes prose, but it is God who writes poetry in and through man. In poetry, each word carries us into the Unknowable, where there is tremendous joy. We may think that when we enter into the Unknowable, we will be totally lost. But we are not lost; we are flying.

“Poetry is intuitive, so we should not try to understand it. It is not the mind we need in order to derive joy, but the heart.”

Here Sri Chinmoy is explaining to us what poetry is, but at the same time his spontaneous creation is nothing but mantric poetry.

Joyce Kilmer said something similar, albeit  in a whimsical fashion, about the intuitive power of poetry:

 

TREES

By Joyce Kilmer

 

“I think that I shall never see

A poem lovely as a tree.

 

A tree whose hungry mouth is prest

Against the earth’s sweet flowing breast;

 

A tree that looks at God all day,

And lifts her leafy arms to pray;

 

A tree that may in Summer wear

A nest of robins in her hair;

 

Upon whose bosom snow has lain;

Who intimately lives with rain.

Poems are made by fools like me,

But only God can make a tree.”

 

It’s funny- I’ve never read this poem in its entirety until thirty seconds ago, when I googled the last two lines- the most famous part, much quoted in popular culture.  But now, at this very moment, reading these lines, it’s clear that Mr. Kilmer was trite in his word-choice, his rhythm is flat and deadpan.  Yet, for all that, what an affecting piece of word-music!  He’s created a mantra, so soulful and haunting.  No wonder the crown of this poem, the last two lines, has endured in the memory of humanity.  It’s almost as if God played an inside joke on the poet. Kilmer is saying that only God can make a tree, and God, by creating this beautiful mantra through the poet, rejoins, “It is only God who writes poetry in and through man as well!”

Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.  What a line!  Remarkable.

My mountain-climbing, English Channel swimming, tennis champion friend, Anugata, told me “We are people of high moments.”  In other words, a spiritual seeker might spend a whole afternoon reading sacred books, just to find one line or one word that touches him, and elevates his consciousness to a higher pinnacle.  He’s willing to spend a whole day just to get a drop of light.  In the same way, when I read Keats or Thomas or Shelley, I read them for one or two brilliant phrases that I can keep with me and recite over and over.

Sri Chinmoy said something very interesting in this regard concerning a line of Keats’:

“When Keats wrote, “A thing of beauty is a joy for ever,” he was in a very high consciousness. But did he remain in that consciousness? When you read the whole of ‘Endymion’, you see that there are many lines that are not at all good. But the first line is so powerful. He reached that height for a fleeting second and wrote an immortal line, but then he fell down most comfortably and stayed there. But his achievement remains immortal. It has become humanity’s achievement and humanity’s treasure. It is like a builder who builds a superb house. For a while he feels that it is his house: but then the person who employed him to build the house starts occupying the house and throws the builder out.” (From Art’s Life and the Soul’s Light by Sri Chinmoy)

 

As I said, Joyce Kilmer was not a particularly gifted poet- in any way.  But he still wrote that immortal final couplet:  “Poems are made by fools like me, but only God can make a tree.”  So, it doesn’t matter.  He offered something that will last in the heart of humanity for Eternity.  Keats offered us the great line: “A thing of beauty is a joy forever,” that incredible opening line that overshadows the rest of Endymion combined.  Of course Keats, unlike Kilmer, was a supreme poet, but he still needed the Grace of God to write something truly immortal.  He wrote in one of his letters: “…(M)y greatest elevations of Soul leave me every time more humbled.”

 

 

Today, for no reason at all, and to the displeasure of the new company code- speed of above all- I recited William Blake’s great poem “Tyger, Tyger” to a young couple.  They really enjoyed it.  But, as I was reciting it out, I was struck by the lines:

 

 

“…When the stars threw down their spears

And watered Heaven with their tears…”

 

Where did that line come from!  What an inspired piece of word music.  Once again, I don’t understand it.  I don’t need to- it speaks to a deeper part of my being.

 

My friend Janaka, the great Scottish writer, wrote a really accomplished and polished book of verse called Glasgow Zen.  I’ve been reading and re-reading it in my sleepless hours.  In one section of the book he renders Japanese haikus written by Issa, Ryokan and Santoka, into Scots dialect.  The effect is charming and oddly thought-provoking:

 

 

“the full moon shinin

on this buncha heidbangers

(me included)”

 

 

“a wee kickaboot

wi the kids in the street-

the night lights”

 

“nights drawin in

patchin my auld claes-

dae me another year”

 

 

(My Microsoft Office Word autocorrect function does not like Glasgow English!)

 

I’d just like to conclude with one of Sri Chinmoy’s mantras from his great collection Twenty-Five Aspiration-Flames, a brief anthology of some of his most inspired utterances from 1987:

 

“My son, the unknowable can be known.

My son, the unknown can be known.

My son, the known can easily

remain unknown.

My son, the knowable can eternally remain

Unknowable.”

Interestingly, when Sri Chinmoy was discussing poetry, he said it carries us into the “Unknowable”.  He did not use the term “Unknown” but rather “Unknowable”.  Some things will never be understood by the outer mind of man.  I was talking to some college kids in the sauna the other day and I mentioned one of the things my great philosophy Professor, Dr. Iorio told us, that science has never been able to account for the unity of a single thought.  In other words, matter can be infinitely divided, taken apart and analysed:  molecules into atoms, atoms into protons and electrons, which in turn can be broken down into quarks and so on.  Everything in the physical world is subject to division and investigation.  But a single thought, is self-evidently real, and is not susceptible to any division or investigation.  It just is.  And here immediately we see the difference between the world of matter and the world of consciousness.  Talk about neurons and synapses until the sky falls down- science has not and never will  be able to account for the unity of a single thought.  Consciousness is unknowable.  Only through prayer and meditation can we fathom these mysteries.  Poetry can also help us in reaching these realms.

Winter thoughts

 

I’ve been recently reading Thomas Mann’s “Magic Mountain”, the novelist’s masterpiece.  I can’t say what it’s about yet- but the sheer beauty of the language is extraordinary.  I am an instant fan.  It’s funny, how this gifted translator, John E. Woods, who passed away just last year, has become the bridge between me and the novelist.  Through Woods’ translation, I can see Thomas Mann had a love of words that borders on hysteria and madness.  As a poet, I can identify.  When I finish this book, I promise a full review.

I’ve also just discovered the poetry of Mark Strand.  Please read his poem “Answers”, one of the tersest poems I’ve ever read about father-son relationships.  It’s concise and sad, with the son questioning the father.  The father answers each question coyly, but then, when his son repeats the question, he answers honestly.  and the poem ends with the father asking to just be allowed to lie down.

I never became a father.  This is a good thing as I don’t have much patience, and would have expected my child to clean the house.  This is the wrong reason to have children.  I guess there are people like me who are not meant to be parents, but who have felt societal pressure to marry and have children.  I meet a lot of young guys at the local college.  When I hang out with these students at the cafeteria, the library or the sauna, they ask me to recite poems for them.  When I read out ten or twenty poems, I feel the bridge between us is Guru’s consciousness.  At that time, it doesn’t matter I have thirty years on these boys, or the fact that they never saw Guru in the physical.  He becomes, at those moments, the universal Father, and we breathe in his heartbeat, his breath.  The Christians say to pray without ceasing, and to seek out the community of believers.  I aim to one day fill every waking moment with Guru’s poetry.  The more committed I can be to Guru’s consciousness, the more I can rely on it to guide me.  The ultimate realisation of a disciple is that the Master is all you need.  When college students hear my poems (even though they are written by Sri Chinmoy, by memorizing and treasuring them they have become my own), they apply the light and knowledge that these words contain in their own way.

Once, in our small but maxed out sauna (guys often put wet paper towels on the thermometer in the sauna to make it thermonuclear), I recited one of my favorite mantras to an almost-graduated senior:

“At every moment,

In the depths of my heart,

I shall have to fight against

All my temptations.

Then I will be

Another Buddha

With all unique

Qualities

Of the

Absolute.”

He paused and reflected in silence for a moment.  Then he said that the poem is interesting, because it is by overcoming the temptation to conform to social pressure, social norms, that we become absolutely unique, like the Buddha.  If we want to be completely unique, then we must shun temptation in every form, both from society and the temptations and traps that come from our own ingrained patterns of thinking.  I almost gasped, because I had never responded to the poem that way.  To me the key word was temptation- overcoming temptation, but for this boy the key word was “unique”- becoming who you truly are by peeling away everything extraneous.  Meditating on the uniqueness of the Buddha, his extraordinary achievement, is another way of overcoming temptation.  We can fight against temptations, yes, but if we can remember the goal, the unparalleled Godhood that the Buddha, Christ and Sri Chinmoy have, it becomes easier.  I folded my hands and bowed to this young seeker, for he had exposed me to this poem’s hidden depths.

I’ve been writing more poetry recently.  This is better than watching soap operas.  For me, poetry writing can be laborious.  I fill up hundreds of pages to arrive at a single poem.  But I know that there is a poem there, waiting to be revealed.  My notebooks are full of references to traffic lights, highways, shadows and alleyways.  My imagery tends to the dark.  But even then I get joy, I feel that behind all the melancholy imagery, there is a reassuring light.  I feel I offer my inner turmoil and frustration to God in my poetry, and He turns it into something else.  Everything we have must be offered at the Feet of our Master.  Then these possessions are no longer ours.  In a similar vein, the moment I start writing poetry, I know I will arrive, I will get at least one polished, respectable poem.  When we embark on any journey, we must not think of the length of time or distance.  If we get the inner assurance that we can ultimately arrive at the goal, then we have only to start.  Sometimes I wish I could  write faster, and get quicker results.  But I’ve discussed the writing process with other poets, and we’ve come to a consensus that it takes about forty-five hours of total labor to get a good poem.  No pain, no gain.

I used to say I fill my notebooks full of trash to get the diamond.  I write hundreds of mediocre poems to get one good poem.  But an older disciple told me I must not refer to my notes as “trash”.  She explained that human creativity is the Supreme’s Self-expression.  It is just an extension of Guru’s consciousness.  Therefore, the very process of writing, of dreaming through paper, is sacred.

Sri Aurobindo would often ask his disciples to learn foreign languages.  He once asked one of his closest devotees to learn French, and gave him novels by Dumas and Balzac to read, even though his disciple didn’t speak a single word!  Sometimes the only way to learn something is to do it.  By giving this man whole novels to read in a foreign language, I think Sri Aurobindo was trying to overcome the stubborness or resistance of this man’s outer mind, which says that knowledge has to be acquired always in a piecemeal way.  You have to jump and dive into the unknown in order to claim it.  I have a lot of Polish customers; from talking to them in Polish every day I am learning the language.  I can now carry on a basic five-minute conversation completely in Polish.  I’m not afraid to look or sound foolish.  In the same way, I officiated my first wrestling match last week, at the college level.  I didn’t know what in hell I was doing.  The wrestlers knew it, but they helped me make my calls.  I had help from a back up ref, too.  But I often beat him to the punch in making calls.  I’ve jumped into a new field.  Sometimes you just have to jump.  Who would have thought Sri Chinmoy the poet, the Yogi, would be known as a great weightlifter?

It’s time for me to unplug from social media, and get ready for the real beginning of winter.  Supposedly the proximity of Chicago to the lake makes our winters more moderate.  That’s not my perception, at all.  But I live in Chicago for the culture, great restaurants and disciple community- not for the weather.

Tales from the mat

 

I’ve recently begun my training to become a high school wrestling referee.  It’s my side gig.  I don’t know much about wrestling, but I’ve always loved the sport, and I appreciate the intense discipline involved.  I guess discipline comes from the fact that wrestling involves so many moves, and so much strategy.  In fact when I watch the very best wrestlers, like Spencer Lee and Dean Hamiti, it looks more like they are dancing than wrestling.  They have that kind of agility.  I also appreciate the amount of strength training and weight-cutting they have to do.  Yes, it is true I often see wresters spend an ungodly amount of time in the sauna at my local college, trying to cut water weight.  I also see them frequently in the weight room.  Surprisingly, many of them don’t look that strong.  Wrestling involves conditioning and speed.  That’s why so many of my wrestler-friends look skinny and unimposing.  But when they wrestle, I see a whole different dimension- ferocity.

I have a lot to learn.  I’m starting by watching college NCAA champion matches and watching the referee- seeing why he makes the calls he does.  I also go to wrestling referee clinics, or procedural meetings, to learn the latest rules and changes.  I went to a clinic three weeks ago, in Naperville, which is about fifty miles west of Chicago.  Naperville’s just a small town.  I love Chicago, because it is so cosmopolitan and international, but it doesn’t have much peace.  Naperville doesn’t have the kind of cultural opportunities that Chicago has, but it has tangible peace.  You can walk along the hills and rivers, the old abandoned mansions and little arts and crafts stores.  You can feel the peace.  It’s good for me to visit other places.  It breaks my rhythm, it shows me other ways to live my life.

 

The clinic was held in the early evening at Naperville Central High School.  I was sitting in a classroom with about thirty guys, most of them in their fifties and sixties, although some were older or younger.  I saw that some of the head officials were in their seventies, but they had maintained their wrestling physique their whole lives.  They looked like those ancient Mahabharata warriors, old men who had become like ancient trees in terms of power and beauty.

“No biting” was one of the first rules they talked about.  I was confused- I mean we live in a civilized society, so wouldn’t it be just a given that you can’t bite your opponent?  But it must happen frequently enough that they had to make it an official rule.  They told us that it doesn’t matter whether it’s a hard bite or a soft bite.  It leads to automatic disqualification.  We also discussed the order in which the various weight classes wrestle.  How do you decide who goes first?  There’s an app that you can program to randomly generate the order.  But one school does something different- they put a mouse in the middle of a maze.  The maze has twelve exits.  Depending on which exit the mouse chooses, the corresponding weight class gets to go first.

The clinic was basically preparation for the open-book wrestling exam, which I took online.  By reading the rules book and going to the clinic, I was able to pass the exam.  But that’s not enough to prepare me for being a referee.  That’s why I’ve been going to every tournament in my area, where I just shadow the referees and watch what they do and how they make calls.  What impresses me is how fast and knowledgeable the referees are.  I’m going to have to go to many more tournaments before I’ll be comfortable officiating my own matches.  But I’ll get there.

The veteran referees are happy to teach me the ropes.  There’s a shortage of referees, so they’re happy to have new blood.  The wrestling officials I’ve met come from all walks of life- although many of them are teachers or take blue collar jobs like firefighters or mechanics.  My grocery store is in the Lincoln Park neighborhood of Chicago – a schwa and ritzy neighborhood, so I enjoy meeting and working with people from a different background.

I went to a junior varsity tournament yesterday.  Most of the kids were middle-school aged, although some looked slightly older.  A very diverse group of wrestlers- Mexican, African-American, Asian and white.  During one match, a boy cried out, “He’s choking me!”- referring to his opponent who had him in a kind of headlock.  The veteran referee looked at me and said, “Well, if that were true he wouldn’t be able to say it.” And he allowed the match to continue.  The boy got pinned, but he lived.  As an official you have to know when someone is crying wolf.

I saw one Black kid with an unbelievable style and speed.  He pinned his opponent in less than ten seconds.  I feel he has a great career ahead of him.  It’s exciting to see.

During another match, a boy was about to win, but he said, “Sit down boy!  Sit down boy!” to his opponent.  The referee told him that his opponent is not a horse, and penalized him for unsportmanlike conduct.  They restarted the match and the boy held his tongue and won easily.  He was short and fat but had tremendous will power.  His grandmother was there snapping photographs but she scolded him.

The coaches got a little feisty!  As a referee, you have to hold your ground if you know you made the right call.  I’m thinking about learning some judo in case I have to fight off a disgruntled coach or parent.

 

I really admire the discipline and perseverance that these boys develop.  Their tenacity and intense training reminds me of the 3100 mile race.  Saturday I have another tournament, which is another opportunity for me to learn from more experienced officials.  I’m not sure where my wrestling journey will take me.  I don’t have to know.  When Guru gives you a new road, you just follow it.

 

“Four unfinished stories
I must finish:
Man’s journey into the Unknown,
Earth’s despair-death,
Heaven’s indifference-smile,
God’s Perfection-dream.”

(Sri Chinmoy, The Goal is won, Sri Chinmoy Centre, New York, 1974)

Meditation and water are wedded forever

 

Recently I had a long-ranging conversation with a friend about the world situation.  I told him that sometimes I get so worked up about the multiple tragedies unfolding around the world, that no matter how much I meditate during the day, I’ll still wake up in the middle of the night from nightmares.  Sometimes I’ll even cry out in my sleep.  I told him that I’ve come to the conclusion that absorbing the news isn’t that great for my consciousness.  It’s better for me to block it out, if I can.

It doesn’t mean I don’t care!  It’s just the time I spend on the news, on lamenting over human stupidity, is time I could have spent on my spiritual life.  But that time is now lost.  Every second I spend thinking about civilizational collapse in this or that part of the world, is time I will not be able to give to God.

Also, I weep for the victims.  How can I not?  Sometimes I even weep in public, although this is an act of emotional demonstration that I don’t think fits in with our spiritual path.  But when I become enraged or saddened by the all the violence and death, what happens is that I lose my poise and balance.  I forget that there is a deeper Will that permeates this earth-creation.  We may not see it, or even feel it in operation, but this universe is definitely governed by a benevolent force.  I believe this.  When I cry and weep and lament, what happens is that I become another victim.  God has enough direct victims to take care of.  I can’t serve God if I’m miserable.  He doesn’t need more victims.  He needs people who can maintain their composure and equanimity, so that they can act in a calm and considered manner.  These are the people who will solve world-problems.

He then segued into another issue altogether.  He asked me, hypothetically, if I ever got the chance to talk to a most inspired young seeker, and the wanted to know one exercise for concentration, one exercise for meditation and one exercise for contemplation, what would I tell him?  This would be my only chance to interact with this soulful new disciple.

I told my friend, that my favorite concentration exercise from Guru involves a little japa.  I would recommend to this seeker that he just repeat, countless times “I am the heart, I am the heart, I am the heart.”  Then, after some time, when he felt his consciousness had entered into his heart, he could say: “I am the soul, I am the soul, I am the soul.”  I recalled how Guru said that when Sri Ramakrishna would touch seekers and send them into trance and samadhi, it was for a few hours.  So, just by repeating, “I am the soul, I am the soul, I am the soul” we can connect with the real seeker in us, the aspiring soul.

As for meditation, I said that the seeker could try to meditate on the ocean, and then, after some time, he can just imagine that he is that ocean, that his entire existence is composed of thousands and millions of drops.  Feel that the drop and the ocean cannot be separated.  Remember that Guru always said that another name for water is life, and that another name for life is God.

For contemplation, I would tell the seeker to imagine his highest, most intimate moment with Guru, his sweetest or most profound inner experience with the Master.  Guru told Pradhan once that people send in their letters of interest or their photographs and they think that is how they became accepted as disciples.  But Pradhan told me that Guru said, with a smile on his face, “But I have a third Eye!”  Guru said that, with his third eye, he was calling his disciples towards him long before they became aware of him on the outer plane.  Guru also said that, through his third eye, he adjusted the life circumstances of his disciples so that it would be possible for them to come into contact with Guru.  In my case, I feel that it was no accident that I got rejected from my first-choice college, and had to go to a less-prestigious school, which was, however, much closer to Guru’s home in New York, and where I was easily able to meditate in the homes of some nearby disciples!  So, in imagining the first time we became aware of Guru, we can enter into that experience, and feel our oneness with Guru’s dynamic Compassion, that made our spiritual life possible in the first place.  This might be a good first step in climbing the lofty contemplation-mountain, which is a state of ecstatic oneness with God.

I definitely go high and deep when I talk to other disciples.